Friday, November 22, 2013

Until Proven Otherwise

Last year at this time I was PUPO - it's an acronym in the infertility world for Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. We had returned home from our two week IVF vacation to Barbados. We were eagerly waiting to take our pregnancy test and find out what the future had in store for us.

If you would have told me that the test would be negative, yet we would be only a couple weeks away from meeting our son, I would have never believed you. I wouldn't have seen how it was possible that we could have adopted so soon after a failed cycle when we had pretty much decided to live child free if the cycle indeed failed. We were tapped out, physically, emotionally and financially - but looking back, never spiritually. For some reason I knew in my heart, even in the midst of the disappointment and hurt that God had plans for us and that He wanted something even more amazing for us then we could even imagine in our own minds. And while knowing that and trusting in it are two completely different things, I was willing to take the gamble. Trusting in that brought me peace and comfort, where doubt and lack of faith only brought about fear, anxiety, heartache and sadness. So I put my heart in His hands. 

It's unusual being in a situation where you have been connected  with the birth mom since her news of finding out she was pregnant. It's like "we" are pregnant via her. I would imagine it feels to me what it feels like for dads when their wife or significant other is carrying their child. It's the next best thing to being physically pregnant..... lucky...... grateful.....some women only dream of being able to have this experience. I will be able to tell him I knew him and watched him grow in her belly. Does it really change anything in the grand scheme of things? Probably not. But it feels like a gift and privilege to be here today. To have been to every single appointment. To go to the hospital and anxiously await his arrival. To meet him for the very first time.

The time has flown by for us. Not for Halie, she is beyond ready. Her body aches, mostly her back and hips. She can't sleep anymore. She is just ready. I understand that. Halie is on the waiting list to be induced the week of December 9th. Our lives are getting ready to change drastically and I finally feel ready (as ready as I am going to be). Sleep will certainly be a thing of the past, so will many of our child-free lifestyle luxuries. However there will be no more wanting or wishing or wondering what life would have been like as a family, with a child. The past 5 years will have been worth every ounce of heartache and pain. There is no amount of sleep that could be better than holding your child, smelling his baby scent, and loving on him for the rest of his life.

Perhaps we were never pregnant, we were proven otherwise. But perhaps we were proven otherwise what being pregnant actually looked like.