Freakishly Fantastic

When we first found out we were adopting, one of my biggest concerns and disappointments was that I was not going to be able to breastfeed Jackson. I consider myself to be a very healthy person, I won't consume dyes, GMO's and I eat mostly organic, usually grassfed. I despise prescription meds and use homeopathy whenever possible to stay healthy or heal my body. I understand and value the benefits of breast milk and was also aware of all of the crap they put in baby formula, including corn syrup (GMO), So if I wouldn't consume that myself, how would I have our child survive solely on formula the first 6 months of his life? I feverishly started researching donor milk banks and formulas, it was actually kind of depressing to say the least, almost all formulas contained things I wouldn't put in my own body, and the cost of (screened) donor milk was out of our budget.

One day while speaking with fairy godmother (Libby) - I told her how upset I was about not being able to breastfeed, it was nearly a deal breaker, I actually had considered not adopting because of it. She quickly let me know that I could breast feed. I was dumb founded, had no idea.....she said research it, so I did. And what a surprise! Women who have never had babies, or even those that had and dried up or gone through menopause, could bring in a milk supply through a process called induced lactation. You don't have to be fertile, of child bearing age or anything! Imagine the sheer shock and awe that struck over me! I thought to myself as freaking crazy as it sounds, it's absolutely fantastic!!!

After a bunch of research, I was again reconsidering whether I would go through the process of induced lactation. The long, intensive process called for hormones (birth control pills) and after everything that I had been through over the five years of infertility and trying to get my health back in check with my autoimmune disease(s), I decided I couldn't digress by manipulating my hormones (yet) again. The thought process was, I have to be in good health to care for my child, so if I put my body through the ringer to produce milk, but wasn't physically well, then I would be doing our son 
and family a disservice. So I was at an impass, torn between feeding him formula and jeopardizing my own well being to breastfeed. And while nutrition was a top priority, I was also most concerned with missing out on nurturing and bonding with our son. So I had many reasons to seriously consider finding a way to make breast feeding happen.

I continued to research and found out that while not as successful, I could still bring in a milk supply with out taking birth control pills. Once I discovered that option, the last hurdle was trying to determine how I would be able to breastfeed at the hospital. I didn't necessarily feel comfortable with sharing my plans with Halie, but there was no way to hide it either. The baby would be considered hers until she signed the papers and I wouldn't have a way to feed him privately anyway, so again I was concerned if it would be worth my months and months of countless hours of preparation if I wasn't going be able to attempt breast feeding in the hospital immediately after he was born, during the most critical time of establishing a bond and good latch. I also has to consider the fact that she 
could still change her mind about the adoption and there I would be grieving while lactating. Not an ideal situation.

As with every other aspect of this adoption however, the cards continued to fall perfectly into place and when the opportunity presented itself, the perfect ideal situation, I committed myself to making it happen. A couple months prior to Halie's due date, we were on our way to one of her appointments. During the drive she asked me if I knew I could breastfeed the baby. My jaw nearly hit the floor, as I was a) amazed she knew about this (her pregnancy counselor at school informed her and asked her if she thought I would be the type of person interested) and b) open to the idea of me doing so. We engaged in a bit of dialogue and after getting her approval - I quickly took the steps necessary to begin the process.

Step 1 - was to purchase or buy a hospital grade breast pump. I decided to rent one which approximately $150 for three months versus $1k to purchase, who knew those suckers were so expensive?! (No pun intended) I immediately began pumping very 2-3 hours every day.....and would continue to do so until baby arrived. In addition I purchased and started taking a bunch of supplements that help with milk production. I purchased most of them at whole foods or through my naturopath. Some of the supplements included mothers love, fennul Greek and moringa. The second day I pumped I had a clear liquid drop appear. Apparently our mammary glands store clear fluids to keep them primed and ready for a milk supply. So what I was seeing was not actually milk, but encouraging none the less. I saw a real slow natural progression. First I had a colostrum come in, (not the same as a pregnant women's, but a barren version. ) After that I started to see multiple drops of fluid that was not yet milk, but somewhere in between colostrum and milk. Because I was unable to pump at work, for a multitude of reasons, but primarily choice...I used hand expression during the work day and resumed to pumping in the evenings. I quickly learned that I actually produced more volume doing hand expression than I ever did with the hospital grade pump.

After over a month of the induction process, I was still only producing drops, not even enough to start saving and storing. It was encouraging that my body was doing something that it technically shouldn't be at the time, but it was also discouraging because I was nowhere close to a suitable supply to feed our son.

I was part of an online forum and quickly learned that there was a medication available that the side effects actually helped produced milk. The drug is domperidone and is actually sold over the counter in other countries  and used for digestive issues. The side effect increases prolactin levels which is ultimately responsible for milk production. After careful consideration, I decided that I would give it a try, as a last ditched and somewhat desperate measure. I ordered the meds online and they arrived within 2 weeks. Within a week or so of slowly increasing my dosage to get up to an effective level, I started to see a decent increase in supply. I was up to an ounce a day of creating and now storing milk. I couldn't believe that my body was cooperating for once, albeit through some minor manipulation.

I still wasn't producing enough to provide a full supply to Jackson, but also knew that some milk was better than none, and that when I began to bring him to the breast that my supply would eventually increase. Just like with any mother that has given birth, it's a supply and demand cycle, so the more I fed him, the more milk I would produce.

I did have to supplement after a week of exclusively breast feeding, and I chose to use the lact-aid supplemental nursing system (SNS) to do so. This system allowed me to feed him at the breast while simultaneously providing him formula through a small tube that was taped to my breast and he would get formula from while feeding from me. And if your interested, after tons of research, I decided to go with Baby's Only Organic Formula. While it's not perfect, or breast milk, it was the best formula on the market that I could find.

A week after coming home from the hospital all of us became ill. I was sick for over 2 weeks, and hubby and Jackson were sick for over 5 days. It presented challenges for us with feeding. Jackson and I both got frustrated so I resorted to expressing and adding it to his bottles. I began to feel awful about not bf'ing and remembered all the reasons why I chose to breastfeed, and it wasn't 100% for nutrition. So after I felt better and spoke with my doctor, I decided to go back to breast feeding, however I chose to breast feed for 15 minutes and then bottle feed afterward for 15 minutes. Fortunately Jackson didn't have issues with nipple confusion and I keep him on a slow flow nipple, so he doesn't get used to a faster flow and start rejecting the breast. This was the best case scenario for us. While the lactaid is a wonderful invention, it was simply too cumbersome and time consuming for me personally.

Most of my friends and family know that I went through this process and that Jackson is breastfeed. I have received a tremendous amount of support from everyone that I have shared with. I do know however that there are adoptive moms who have been criticized for wanting to and/or successfully breast feeding their adoptive child. I cannot possibly imagine why anyone would have any Issues With such a natural and beautiful exchange between a mother and child...not to mention all the benefits of breastfeeding.  Jackson's pediatrician was so super impressed by my attempt and success that I am actually the talk of his office (and proud).

I am sharing my story because I want to spread awareness about adoptive breastfeeding and how induced lactation is possible. It's been happening for many years (look up wet nurses) and I am proud and honored to say that I am still breastfeeding our 2 month old son. It's something  I never thought I would be able to do, especially with a child that is not biologically mine. If you know someone who is adopting please be sure to let them know this is an option. I am forever grateful that my dear friend Libby let me know that I could and encouraged me to do so.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me....I would be happy to share more details.
With all of that said, motherhood is amazing, I hope to get back to blogging more regularly now that I feel like I have this mommy hood thing down better.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Silver Lining

I was thinking the other day about how concerned I was for our child should Frank and I conceive. I have crappy genes….autoimmune disease. Everyone wants a healthy baby, that goes without saying. Unfortunately, we don’t all get them…some of that has to do with disease, illnesses and the rest...good ole genetics.

 

Autoimmune disease poses many risks, it can lie dormant for many years and all it takes is one bad move and then the flood gates open. For me it was a couple things. It was the MMR vaccination and having my mercury fillings removed both within months of each other…mercury poisoning….which triggered my auto-immune system response…..and then it was a 8 year battle with my health. In hindsight it’s ironic that me preparing for conception was what ultimately prevented me from conceiving. I was at a pre-pregnancy check-up when the doctors ran tests and said I was not vaccinated against rubella and needed to be. This was long before I took control of my own health and stopped listening to everything I was told to do….so like a good patient, I went and got vaccinated, no questions asked. MMR is measles, mumps and rubella, the combo injection contains mercury. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?  What many of my naturopath doctors believe is that the mercury exposure is what set-off the autoimmune response in my body. My father’s side of the family has a history of both autoimmune and cardiovascular disease, which is likely where it was passed down from.

So I was concerned, that if we conceived, if I would be able to vaccinate our child. For reasons that are obvious, I didn’t want to create a response in our child similar to mine, where they would be dealing with health issues for years to follow. And I didn’t want to deal with school systems, governments, or people who think one size fits all when it comes to medicine, or who felt I was a bad a parent for choosing not to vaccinate my child. I do not have problems with vaccinations necessarily, I have problems with the mindset that they are ok for everyone, following the same protocol in every single child with no regard to medical history. Malarkey!

So it might not seem like a big deal, but I am somewhat relieved that with our adoption,  we no longer have to worry about my crappy genetics!  Yes, we will get a medical history of the birth mom and dad, and it certainly doesn’t mean they do not have the same or similar crappy genes as me, but for a moment, when I realized I wouldn’t have to be concerned about my genetics being passed down, well I felt a small sigh of relief and realized there was a silver lining.

Effortless

One of the best parts of witnessing our story unfold was sharing the fabulous testimony. I will never get tired of telling our story. It was so perfectly written, and as the details continue to unfold, I become even more amazed and faith filled. I have been smiling for 5 weeks straight now!

One of my good friends made the comment about how effortless it has been for us. And a light immediately went off, YES, that’s it, EFFORTLESS! If I could describe in one word how this process has gone so far, it would have to be effortless. And that means so much to me, coming from a girl who has been struggling with many aspects of her life for years now. Infertility, weight loss, health issues. All of it was a struggle, emotionally, financially, physically, I felt tormented some days. But almost magically, since day one of when we learned about this adoption, it has all been effortless. The initial news, the correspondence, the meet-up, getting resources such as referrals for our attorney, it was all handed to me. Even down to the details of finances. Of course there’s still legal fee’s and medical fee’s and other expenses involved, but this is really the best case scenario for us even in regards to the  financial aspect of the adoption.

I believe when we are in the divine flow of life, that’s when things begin to happen, with ease. We must be open and receptive to the ideas, people and opportunities surrounding us or presenting themselves. When we are receptive, then these beautiful experiences can flow through us. It’s always available, but sometimes we have to let go of the struggle, of the reigns, and need to control. I believe it is only then that we might discover all the endless opportunities that present themselves, and may have been presenting themselves all along.

I really thought I had all the answers to my problems. I thought I could “fix” all of my various issues doing what I felt was best. Infertility treatments, regular diet & exercise programs, allopathic medicine. What worked for everyone else, I couldn’t quite figure out why it wasn’t working for me. But in hindsight, much of what I did, never really resonated with me…..and that’s when I began to  make changes. I began to pray and I opened my mind to and explored different options. Yes maybe calories in/calories and gym worked for everyone else, I was told it should work for me too, but it didn’t. Yes, fertility treatments allow many couples and single woman to grow their families, but it didn’t work for us.  Treating my health using traditional doctors, well that didn’t necessarily work for me either. I had to keep my mind and heart open to other possibilities. It turns out naturopathy works best for me. My health is better now than it has been in many, many years. And the weight loss, well it took many years of many people and even my naturopath doctor recommending the HCG protocol before I was able to successfully lose weight, (which by the way was the easiest protocol I had ever followed). As far as growing our family, well it seems that adoption was how that was supposed to happen.

We cannot dictate to others what they should do or how they should live their lives. What works for one of us may not for another, or they just might not be there yet in their journey, there are valuable lessons along the way. It’s the experiences we have that gets us to our destination, not someone telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. But I do believe when we finally do get into the divine flow of life, that it gets easier. It’s almost as though God is handing you everything saying “here you go, my beautiful child”. That’s what this part of my life feels like..... graceful, easy, natural……..effortless.  

The Day Our Lives Changed

It was a beautiful Monday morning. I was driving into work, admiring my new route since we moved into our new home. We moved into an area that is still filled with green pastures, farms and a very small town charm. It's almost like a time warp. Our community is newly developed in the middle of the countryside. Only 12 miles from work and 5 short miles from civilization. It's very refreshing and appealing to be immersed in nature. I consider myself more of a city girl, but I just might be a country girl at heart. Sometimes when driving down the old beat up back road, we stop to watch the cows graze and baby calfs follow their mom & pop around the pastures.

On this particular day, Monday, May 13th, I stopped to take a photo of the sky. It was remarkable, rays shining through the clouds, it really serves as a reminder to me how great our God is. Although the photos really never capture the incredibleness of the moment, I posted it on Facebook with a caption that read "This is the day that The Lord has made, let us rejoice in it". That was truly what I felt in my heart looking up at the sky and feeling an overwhelming sense of well being at that very moment.

A few minutes into the drive, I started thinking about a friend who struggled with infertility over the years and recently had an adoption literally fall into her lap. It was a gift that fell from the skies above. After years of the awful pains of infertility she finally had her take home baby! I thought to myself, if a baby fell into our laps, like it did for her, I would do it, I would adopt. I didn't have what it took emotionally (or even financially) to go through the standard agency adoption program. Not that I wasn't open to adoption, it was just the idea of investing another year into setting up a profile, waiting for a match and then hopefully bringing home a baby. After spending the last 4.5 years in the infertility trenches, the idea of investing ourselves into the adoption process just wasn't appealing.  

A few hours into my work day, I went to my lunch time yoga class. After returning to my desk, I found a message from my dear friend and coworker, Libby. She was asking if I knew anybody that wanted to adopt, as there was a crisis situation that needed potential adoptive parents immediately. It was a local teenage girl who was going to terminate her pregnancy if she didn't find someone to adopt her baby, right away. My friend reached out to me specifically because she knew I had a strong presence in the infertility community and could reach out to a large audience rather quickly. I read her message and immediately reflected back on my thoughts that morning, during my commute. Could it be possible that my "prayers" we're answered that quickly?! I replied without hesitation, and then immediately contacted Frank to see what his thoughts were. He agreed that we simply couldn't turn our backs on the situation and should explore the possibility further. I was instantly put in contact with the birth-moms mother. We emailed and then spoke on the phone the following day. We decided that it was best that we meet-up and share a meal that upcoming weekend so we could discuss the situation further.

It was a long week, I was so nervous and anxious to meet Halie and her mom. I was hoping they loved us, we loved them equally as much,  and there would be a connection between Halie and I. In the interim, I just sat in awe over what had occurred and all the writing on the wall. When I asked for more details, I had an email forwarded to me which had a subject line "update on Kim's daughter" (Kim is Halie's mothers name). The day I spoke to Halie’s mom, Frank received an email at work, with his company sending an explanation of ......adoption benefits. During that week, I also found out that Halie’s due date was Dec 25th. Not to mention, Halie’s mom, the facilitator of all of this, worked directly across the street from my work! All of this couldn't possibly be coincidences. Gods fingerprints were all over it! 

On Sunday May 19th, we met Halie and her mom Kim for dinner. They are both very kind and sweet souls. We shared stories and got to know each other a bit. I left there feeling somewhat relieved that a major hurdle was over but now it was time to wait again. Halie had an appointment scheduled with an agency. Her mom felt it was important that she explored all options. Agencies can offer some additional benefits over private adoptions. They have access to tons of resources and added benefits that you might not be able or offer legally in a private adoption. Of course there is also hefty price tag associated with that, so while we wanted Halie to do what was best for her, we also knew that an agency would be out of the question for us if she decided to go that route. Her appointment was scheduled for June 1st. Before we parted, I gave Halie a letter I had written for her, and we said or good-byes.

The waiting phase had begun, and while I was eager for the day to come, so Halie could decide which path she wanted to pursue, I wasn't feeling anxious at all. I felt calm and at peace. During this waiting phase, I had been in  contact with both Kim and Halie...via email and text, multiple times.

On Tuesday, May 21st, only a couple days into the wait...I received a text from Halie’s mom asking if I could talk. She called me shortly thereafter and started crying before I could really understand what she was saying. Earlier that day we were emailing and she let me know how worried she was if Halie didn't choose us, she knew how heart breaking that would be and she didn't want to see that happen to us. I immediately thought the worst and my heart sunk to my stomach. Imagine my surprise when she blurted out "Halie wants you and Frank to be her baby's parents!" 

Tears began flowing, I was so overjoyed! I couldn't believe it, Halie decided already and we wouldn't have to go through the treacherous two week wait! After 50 some negative cycles, it was the first time I received great news during a two week wait!

"Prov. 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. Prov. 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will direct your paths."

Halie and her mom want an open adoption, that means that she will get to be part of the baby’s life. To what extent has yet to be determined but we will come up with a trust agreement that everyone feels comfortable with. She is currently 10 weeks along. This means I will get to be part of the entire pregnancy! Attending appointments and bonding with Halie. This is a dream come true for me! I love how perfect her situation and ours are a beautiful match made in heaven!

It's going to be long road with many ups and downs, we are both fully aware of what a volatile situation we are dealing with. This might frighten some away, but I believe that regardless of the situation, God will protect our hearts. When you are faith filled, there is nothing to fear. 

We are going to be parents! God had a special plan for us all along. He was never telling us no, he was simply saying "not now". Please join us on our journey as Gods perfect plan unfolds. Our baby is growing in Halie’s belly and in our hearts. What a beautiful precious gift we will receive!