Saturday, September 7, 2013

Keep Calm and Carry On

Life has gotten busy which leaves little time to realize how quickly the days are actually passing. Even though I see Halie regularly and visually see her belly growing, it's still somewhat surreal that we are having a baby in a few short months. I suppose if it were me carrying, I might feel the same....I am not sure how much the real life experience synchronizes you with time. I haven't experienced any nesting instincts yet, but I also know that my sensible mind will prevent me from buying baby goods and decorating a nursery. I am signed up for all kinds of mailing lists for children's clothing and goods, but don't have it in me to participate and make any purchases yet. Yes, I could easily resell the things if I needed too, but it's just not a thought I want to entertain either way.

Halie came over for dinner and a movie last weekend. We made her favorite dishes. Fettuccini Alfredo and Chicken Caesar Salad. Actually Frank did the cooking, it was delish! Halie got to meet Roxie, our oldest dog, as well as the other two, Remy and Gizmo. But she felt drawn to our oldest Roxie. Halie loves older folks and one day wants to care for them and be a nurse. She has a compassionate heart for all, but a definite soft spot for the seniors. Sadly, two days after they met for the first time, Roxie passed away. It's been tough, less than a year ago we lost Bogey. For a girl who hasn't suffered any losses (aside from infertility) in many many years, this past year has certainly been difficult. Having our babies leave us, knowing they maybe the only children we ever have, well it seems so final. I did feel a sense of peace knowing that Roxie unofficially got to meet lamb chop. I feel like that was the closure she needed to leave this world. If anyone knows us better than anything or anyone, it's our pets. I have no doubts that Roxie is happy that mommy and daddy will be growing our family soon, and she doesn't have to be woken by the cries of an infant now! Not that she would have complained, but you know.....

I recently signed up for a 12 week fitness program at work, trying to rebuild my strength after a year
of no exercise and lots of weight loss. It's a bitter sweet feeling being able to get fit and lose weight while we are expecting. I should be growing and expanding. My clothes should be getting smaller, instead they are getting bigger. I should be taking it easy, not doing burpees at 5:00am boot camps. And I see how others might think how lucky I am, what a great silver lining. I realize there are aspects of pregnancy I should be thankful I don't  have to experience. But I assure you there is not one physical or emotional negative aspect of pregnancy that measures up to the pain of infertility. I would trade it in, in a heartbeat. Without a second thought. 

That's ok though, if I must sacrifice pregnancy to meet our little one, then so be it, I would do anything for our child including not being able to experience carrying him inside me, breast feeding, to give physical birth and bring him into the world, giving him life. In the end, none of that matters as much as carrying for the life of our son. Loving him, nurturing him, teaching him traditions and watching him grow. 

It's 6:00am on a Saturday. I lay in bed typing this as my husband is sound asleep snoring, along with Remy. Gizmo is snuggled against me and my world is perfect. Our son will soon be part of this beautiful equation. He will soon have a spot in this picture. I am excited and scared. I wonder how I will survive, how good of a mother I will be. If the sleep deprivation will turn me into the wicked witch from the west....but I don't care. Moms and families do it everyday, and I am going to make it through it just like everyone else. 

Last week I received a beautiful house warming gift from a long time blog friend. Hannah has been such a wonderful source of inspiration and example of faith to me throughout the infertility journey. Although we have never met, it doesn't diminish the bond of sisterhood we share. The gift, a decorative pillow that reads "Keep Calm and Carry on". The perfect reminder of how to live our lives through it all, the peaks and valleys alike.