Twenty one days ago my life was altered in ways that have deeply penetrated the core of my existence. Daddy and I didn't just welcome home a happy, healthy baby boy... it wasn't neither that simple, nor as amazing as being blessed with my hearts desires. My dear son, it was so much more than that. It was beyond wanting you for 5 years, it much more than the medical tests and treatments, it was so profound it changed me from the inside out. Wanting you, longing for you, praying for you, it all changed me on so many levels. And when we finally, finally brought you home, when that day finally arrived, it was greater than anything that has or will ever happen to me again in my life. Marrying your father, he was the first best thing. Bringing you home, that was the second best thing. You two together, you complete me.
I don't know if I will ever be able to put into words how my heart feels. Some things can only be felt. But I will always do my best to share with you how I feel, to communicate all the emotions that fill my heart and the words that occupy my mind.
I was really worried that by loving you, I would be taking away some of my love for daddy.....silly me. Little did I know my heart would swell, double it's size, to accommodate the love I have for both of you, I didn't have to take away from him to give to you...or vice versa.....I just allowed the love to flow and there is so much space for both of you, with extra to spare! There are no limitations on love, it is endless, it is boundless. You will one day know what I mean by this.
Since I have met you, my life is so different. You have become the center of our everything - our life as a family is so wonderful. We eat, sleep and breath differently because of you. Imagine our home filled with love by your daddy and me and the puppies, and then imagine taking that same beautiful home and adding more love to it. We smile bigger and brighter because of you. We gawk over you, we are smitten with you and we are so very proud of you. You truly are our pride and joy.
There are so many people who love you, your family, our friends, your birth mom and her family, you are surrounded by love. You fairy godmother comes to visit often, she was at the hospital when you were born and she will always be a part of your life. You are often wrapped in her baby blanky that her dear grandma Jiggs knitted for her. You are always surrounded by and wrapped in love.
Everyone warned me how fast the time would go, and I couldn't imagine it going by so fast with so little sleep and long endless days.....but it's true, the minutes and days fly by, and before I knew it, it has been three weeks. And soon it will be a month....I'm trying hard to stay in the moment because they escape me way to fast as it is, without jumping ahead on my own. The moment is where it is. It's where I get lost in your being, your smell, your cute little noises you make, you cooing while eating, squeezing my finger...our skin to skin time, bonding, every single moment your awake I just want to spend it loving on you.
You are such a great eater and sleeper. You eat every 3 hrs during the day and every 3-4 hrs at night. You pretty much sleep, eat and play for short amounts of time. Initially I was lucky to keep you up 2-5 minutes. Now you are alert for 30 minutes to an hour sometimes. You love to fall asleep on daddy's chest, he falls asleep too. Mommy likes to snap photos when this happens. I wish I could capture every single minute of your life on film, but that goes against me being in the moment, if I am always behind the camera, I am not always being in the moment. So while there are lots of pictures, I sometimes forget to take them, because I am enjoying just being with you.
We spent our first Christmas together as a family! Your grandma & grandpa Corica came to visit.
Unfortunately you, daddy and I were all sick. We caught bad colds and gave them to each other, I was so heart broken and scared when you got sick.....but you healed really fast. That nosefrida and essential oils were life savers! Mommy is still recovering, I hope to be back to 100% soon so I can give nothing but my very best to caring for you. Regardless, you made this the best Christmas I have ever had. You are living proof that what matters most is not what's under the Christmas tree.
Jackson, you have rocked our worlds. I look forward to every minute of every day. When I wake up and see you, it makes my heart smile. When I hold your small fragile body and realize you depend on me for so many of your basic needs, I feel so honored to be the person you chose to care for you. I love you ....and your daddy, well he loves you too. Together we share yet one other thing in common, our unconditional love for you.
In one breath I wish I could freeze time and keep you this little forever, yet in the next breath, I look forward to watching you grow, to sharing many more special moments with you. Little man, you didn't just fill a void in my heart or an empty room in the house...you showed me that dreams do come true, that with faith and prayer, anything is possible. To never lose sight or hope - that God will always fill our hearts desires...He has given me a testimony that I will share and cherish forever, the testimony and gift of you, my son.
I love you always Jax,
God answered our prayers and sent Haile our way
To carry our child and take our heartache away
It was just when we had truly surrendered
That such an amazing gift was rendered...
Honored is just one of a million ways to describe how we feel
For receiving a blessing that still seems surreal
Our child is growing inside of her tummy
But one day soon he will call me mommy
Thanks be to God and all of you who prayed
Sometimes there's a reason the answers to our prayers are delayed.
He knew all along how our story would unfold...
And now that it has, I love hearing it told...
"Not flesh of my flesh"
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.
Author: Fleur Conkling Heyliger
Sent from my iPad