When you're feeling defeated by infertility, the holidays tend to be difficult. While there's plenty of reason to celebrate, there's always those constant nagging thoughts of what it would be like to experience the occasion with a child. Children change everything, especially days like Father's Day, Mother's Day and Christmas. It's not as though we haven't been able to experience joy and laughter in the past, we have plenty of fun and cause for celebration, but there's not a holiday that goes by that doesn't make you stop and wonder what it would be like if you were expecting a child or had one already.
Today was the first holiday where I was able to experience what it feels like to have a child on the way- maybe not physically, but intellectually and emotionally. Somehow knowing that next year he or she will be here, well it made this Fathers Day a bit more enjoyable. The anticipation fills you with excitement and I won't lie, even a little nervousness at times. But overall, it's a good feeling. It's a fine time to feel grateful...we are finally, finally, finally in our season of harvest, we are reaping what we planted, seeds of faith - after many long seasons of waiting. It's kind of surreal. I imagine it will be for a long time. But when I look at the calendar and count down the days until our little pork-chop arrives (5 months 3 weeks and 2 days), it all starts feeling very real. In this very moment, our dreams are becoming reality.
Today is also Haile's birthday. It's difficult to know what to gift someone who is giving you your hearts desires. Nothing will ever come remotely close. I believe the only way to ever repay her for this gift, is to be the best parents we can be, to give the child a wonderful life filled with everything he or she needs, and having her be part of that, witnessing our parenting and knowing deep down in her heart that she made the right choice when she chose us.
On Friday I will be spending time with Haile. I thought a gift card for maternity clothes and getting massages would be a very nice way to spend time together and pamper her. I want to pamper her...I want her to feel comfortable, physically, emotionally and spiritually with each and every step of this journey. It's the very least we can do for her, the young lady who is giving a whole new meaning to Fathers Day.
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