Fifty-Six

It's pretty surreal to sit here on the patio watching the sunset on this beautiful early October evening and imagine that in fifty six days we could be meeting and bringing our son home, who, by the way, remains nameless right now.

Fifty six days!!!

I am growing more and more anxious as the days quickly pass by and the baby becomes the center of our daily lives and future plans. Appointments, researching car seats and feeding options, it's all I live and breathe these days. I feel like I should have it all figured out by now, yet I don't. I feel like we are taking so many steps to prepare, yet we are so unprepared. I feel like we have been waiting a lifetime to meet our son, yet we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in August.

Halie and I began birthing classes last night and today we went to her thirty week appointment. Saturday we will get to see the little one on a screen in 4D imaging, a gift from Halies mom to us.  We are so excited to see him again, it's been some time since our last sonogram.

Halie has experienced a great pregnancy. No issues, no morning sickness....she does have back discomfort but for the most part that's it. I am happy for her that she didn't have to suffer through the pregnancy although I think she's ready for it to be over soon. She is very afraid of labor and the pains, I would be to, honestly. I wish she didn't have to go through that, but she will. And while I can't take away any of her physical and emotional pain she will experience...I will do my best to ease her mind and heart in any way I can before, during and after the adoption. I believe the best gift we can give her is the absolute certainty that she made the right decision when she chose us. I want her to feel confident in her heart and mind that her baby boy will be deeply loved and cared for.

We have a few things to wrap up in the upcoming weeks. We need to finalize our birthing plans and also discuss what the open adoption will look like. "Open adoption" is a loose term, it could mean sending pictures and updates, or it could mean actual visits in addition to the updates. Halie and I will try to figure out what ours will look like. She and her family will absolutely be seeing the baby....now that I have met and bonded with them, I simply cannot see my life without them, baby or not. I love Halie and her mom. I love lambchop. I love that she has chosen us to parent her son. I love how God has beautifully orchestrated every detail of this story. I love my husband for having the courage and love to walk this path with me.

Adoption is not for the faint at heart. I have never felt more vulnerable in my life, we take risks every day with our hearts, but for some reason this feels like the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken....I have never felt more vested, aside from marriage. Yet it's also the biggest test of faith there is, knowing that your heart can be crushed in ways it never has before, but also knowing that God will be there by your side no matter what. I visualize us standing on the edge of a cliff, God in the center, holding both our hands, and jumping with us. He has been with us every step of the way and will continue to be for the rest of our days.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”  ― Corrie ten Boom