Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Why Don't You Just Adopt ?

So many times over the course of our journey people would ask if we had considered adoption or straight out tell us we should adopt. Well Infertility 101 covers why it's probably not the best thing to say to anyone going through infertility. Yet I understand why from an outside perspective that might seem like a logical move. Keyword logical. That removes all emotions..yet there is no way to go through infertility without experiencing a wide range of emotions. Yes, treatments become very mechanical and mundane from time to time, but we must remember the driving factor. Our desires to be parents..our love for children ...our hope to experience pregnancy - feel our babies kicking and growing inside us. It's a paradigm shift which includes grieving when you discover your baby isn't going to be created the way it is for 85-90% of the population. You don't just go "oh well, let's adopt". If only it were that easy. Actually if I knew then what I know now, maybe I would have let go of part of the struggle, but it was the exact same struggle that has taught me how great God is when we relinquish control. However, I had to know what both sides of that spectrum felt like, to come to that realization. For the record, One felt like crap, the other truly amazing! Can you guess which was which? ;)

So back to adoption- I would like to speak about how equally challenging it can be to fertility treatments. Most blatantly is the financial aspect. Adoption itself cost more than any single infertility treatment. When you have to consider finances in the tens of thousands of dollars, sometimes treatments seem like the wiser investment. Not to mention that desire to have a child that is genetically yours, it's a tough dream to let go of. Today, it doesn't matter as much as it did 4 years ago. But the truth is - it matters, and it matters to many (read most) of us. And until you are faced with the possibility of that not happening, you can never truly know how difficult it is to accept. Yes there seems to be lots of judgement in this area by those who have children that are genetically theirs. Also with treatments, you have the opportunity of getting more than one chance with minimal additional costs. If they are able to harvest and fertilize enough eggs then they can often be stored (frozen) for another try in the future. So you can literally double your chances with a good cycle.

Adoption is not only crazy expensive, it's also not guaranteed just like fertility treatments. Once selected, the birth mom can change her mind along the way or even after the baby the is born, and in some states, even after the baby is handed over and sent home with the adoptive parents. It takes a major leap of faith and a great amount of risk when pursuing adoption. And just for clarification, legally you are not buying the baby, that is against the law. The expenses incurred are lawyer fees, medical expenses for the birth mother and some living expenses related to the pregnancy. All of that is paid for by the adoptive parents. There's also some other fees such as a home study and court costs, background checks. All covered again by the adoptive parents. Fortunately for us, we have the best possible set of circumstances. The adoption is private, meaning we are not using and adoption agency, which is cutting the cost tremendously. So much so, we wouldn't be able to afford this otherwise. In addition, Haile has medical insurance coverage for her parents. That means her medical expenses will be standard co-pays and deductions. She lives at home still, which basically eliminates any cost of living expenses. We truly have an ideal situation on our hands, and I feel so very blessed for this divinely orchestrated scenario. I'm not sure that it would be happening any other way.

Adoption is not always as simple as it sounds. There's many risks, and hurdles to overcome, some financial, some emotional. Just know that if you ever wonder why some people don’t “just adopt”…it’s just not that simple. I am an open book, that is willing to share it all, but not everyone is. Not everyone feels comfortable saying they prefer or want a child that is genetically theirs. Not everyone likes discussing finances and how expensive it is, because it seems so minuscule, the money, in the grand scheme of things…but the truth is, it's stressful sourcing the funds, there’s tons of sacrifices made and quite honestly it's money that would be much better spent on the child’s education, not just trying to attain a child. When this is all said and done, we will have spent more than 50k trying to have a baby. That stings, it hurts the pockets for a couple that just got married and is starting a life together. Especially knowing the cost for others is what?! a nice dinner and a glass of wine (if your lucky)?! Trying to pay the bills can be hard enough for couple juggling regular expenses, plus medical expenses from treatments. We don’t all have celebrity size incomes where we have unlimited access to resources. And for the record, International adoption is not a cheaper route either. That requires international lawyers and travel expenses that surmount local adoptions. So please know that this is not the simple road, it’s not an easy fix. It’s actually very complex. I am just thankful that anything is possible through Him.


  1. I've been looking into adoption and I've been telling my family that it isn't as cheap as they think it is. One of my husband's co-workers was adopted and she tells him it was free. Adoption isn't free any longer!