Obedience

I  never liked the word obey,  especially not in wedding vows!!  My free spirit feels threatened by any variation of the word. I do not like rules, I feel confined by them,  I don't like being told what to do and I am certainly not obeying somebody else's commands. I am a non conformist, a person who does whatever she wishes, when she wishes. Don't threaten to take that away from me. Obedience was not even a word in my vocabulary, not until this past week.

Libby and I were having one of many discussions about the impending adoption, and she used the word obey to describe my actions, and then I realized, I am obedient, to God. 

God has asked me to proceed with this adoption. He presented it to me and I accepted. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves and presume because He asked me to do this, that we know the outcome. We don't. We don't know why, we don't know how it's going to end just yet. We will very soon. I realized two very important things this past week. How presumptuous I was being assuming the outcome and that really all I was called to do was obey.

And so I quickly discovered, that I am ok with both. I am at peace with however this unfolds, and I am also happy to obey our heavenly father. For the first time in my life, I have felt His calling. I am certain He has called on me many times before, however it is with certainty that I am doing His work, and I am not attached to the outcome. I am committed, but I am not attached. When you trust and have faith that He is your everything, then you are certain that He would never do anything to harm you. Sometimes we get so attached to a particular outcome that we aren't in the moment experiencing the joy of the here and now. Our eye is on the prize, the end result. As I told Halie's mom the other day, baby or no baby, I feel blessed. I have experienced a pregnancy through Halie. I have bonded and fallen in love with her beautiful spirit. If that was all that came out of this, then I have already received an amazing gift. It's truly an honor to serve and obey Him. 

“I find the doing of the will of God leaves me no time for disputing about His plans.” ~ George Macdonald

Bated Breath

When I first found out about Halie and the adoption, I immediately got a referral for an adoption attorney. I spoke with him on several occasions to try and determine what the process looks like, cost and risks. He made it very clear that when a teenage girl becomes pregnant with her first child, and decides to place the child for adoption, that she will change her mind at least once during the process, if not several times. To me that was very understandable, it's an emotional time, and not just that, who wouldn't second guess placing their first born child for adoption? I think any one of us would.

 That part of the discussion wasn't quite as alarming as the statistics provided. I think it's easy to forget that the odds are not stacked in your favor when you get wrapped up in the adoption process. For so many years, you dream of having a child, and finally a perfect situation falls into your lap. Every detail about it is perfect...down to the birth mother resembling you. The ability to do open adoption and experience the pregnancyvicariously through her. It all seems so perfect. But the reality of the matter is easy to forget. The truth is, 70% of first time teenage moms who place their children for adoption, change their minds at some point during the process, up to and including after birth. The lawyer made it very clear to me, that it's a volatile situation and very high risk. It's hard putting yourself out there when you know the odds are against you, but faith, hope and desire prevail, and the cold hard facts fall to the way side.

 While I am certainly a gambling women who attempted a few fertility treatments to no avail, I am also a woman of faith. I'm not perfect, there are times when I need to be reminded who's calling the shots here. Regardless of how much faith I have, it can still be frightening. So while I remain cautiously optimistic and faith filled, a good ole reality check for all of us is necessary from time to time. He may call the shots here, but it seems in our case, it's only 30% of the time that He chooses to place the child. When the odds aren't stacked in your favor, it's best to choose Faith over Fear.
However as one wise friend said, there is a difference in fear and discernment. Sometimes you just have to use good judgement and be fully aware of the possibilities.

 As we get closer to the due date, I definitely find myself feeling more vulnerable. We are all more vested and just like with anything new that we really want, the risk of getting hurt creeps in. For those of us who believe, we surge forward regardless of the possibility of getting hurt. But it's not always easy..."why don't you just adopt" seems logical, but I can assure you, only those who are fully aware of the odds and believe that God will protect your hurt are willing to take the gamble. So here we are, over half way there and waiting with bated breath.